Saccharine
by KissMeDeadlyT-T
Summary: Roy really needs to get his paperwork done, but Ed won't leave him alone. Roy kind of wants to punch him in the face. (Worst summary EVER, I swear it's not as cliché and stupid as it sounds...) Rated for Ed's inappropriateness, swearing, content, RoyEd. Non-lemon oneshot. Roy's POV


**KissMeDeadlyT-T: Look at me, writing pointless oneshots during class, when I really should be taking notes… I'm so badass. D;**

**Well anyways, this was created from a boredom filled mind, so it's derpy, and written quickly so there might be some grammar/spelling errors/typos. BTW, saccharine means '****Having a cloyingly sweet attitude, tone, or character' in this context.**

**Don't own anything except for the silly fic :P Also, this is a RoyEd fic so if you aren't interested, this probably isn't the place for you. There's nothing hardcore, but it's still RoyEd. Yep.**

**Okay, well, enjoy? :3**

**xxXXxxXXxx**

"Roy."

I pretend not to hear as I sign my name on the umpteenth document, sticking the pen between my teeth afterwards so that I could organize the finalized documents in a pile.

"Roooyyy."

He's poking me now, and it takes all of my willpower not to turn and punch him in the face. I continue ignoring him in the hopes that he will get bored and leave me alone. I still have at least an hour's worth of paperwork left to go through and Hawkeye's going to have my ass for sure if it isn't done by the time my shift ends.

"Muuuustaaanngg. Roy. Colonel. Bastard."

Of course, I think, my eyebrow twitching and fingers tightening around the pen, Ed is the most stubborn little shit in the world, and the probability of him stopping before he gets his way is slim to nil. Luckily, I have a whole lot of patience.

Not so luckily, most of it is already gone due to the paperwork and the fact that Ed is poking my cheek instead of my shoulder now, and plus I never have much when it comes to him anyway. Still ignoring him, I turn to the side to open the second drawer and grab a 'Confidential' stamp from one of the little plastic baskets organizing the clutter.

"Roooyyy. Babe. Colonel. Idiot. Mustang." Now he's going through every single name he could possibly think up for me. I force myself not to acknowledge him and press the stamp to one of the more important documents, setting that one to the opposite side of the other stack.

Wait— is he…?

Oh, he is.

Oh my god, really?

He's _singing_. Inside of my head, I try to tune him out. Really I do.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick~ I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend won't mind it―"

"No you didn't, you little shit," I say before I can stop myself, patience thinning. He seems to take this as a positive response and grins widely, scooting closer to me and where I'm_ trying_to sign this paperwork. I swear if he messes up any of the piles I have nearly organized on my desk I'm going to kick him in the head.

"I kissed a bastard and I liked it?" he suggests, going back to poking my shoulder. "Hm. I kissed a Roy and I liked it, the taste of his― hmm… Hm. Heh. I got this. Listen." Like I fucking have a choice. "I kissed a Roy and I liked it, the taste of his dick's fantastic~"

At this, I smack his shoulder, making him snicker. "Ed, I'm going to kill you."

And he ignores me. "I kissed a Roy just to try it, I hope my boyfr― wait… that makes no sense. I hope my… Well never mind that. It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight~!" He grins radiantly at me as he finishes his little impromptu song. "I think Katy Perry would be mad jealous. She wishes _she_could kiss a Roy."

"If you keep this up, you won't be kissing _anything _any time soon," I say tersely, gritting my teeth.

"Pfft. Like you can resist me."

Aaaand this is getting way too distracting, so I go back to ignoring him and pretending that the poking on my shoulder is nothing more than a pesky fly. Maybe it's cold, and maybe I really am the bastard Ed so fondly claims  
I am, but I just need. To. Get. This. _Done_.

"Roooooyyyy."

Oh my fucking god, why the hell do I fucking put up with this kid? More importantly, why do I_ love_him? Jesus.

"So I know you're trying to ignore me, but you really suck at it, I can tell 'cause you look really pissed off and you're signing your name more viciously―chicken scratch handwriting, by the way―" At which I snort, because _he's_one to talk, "And anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you look really great today, and that I love you, and that―"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I ask him, not looking up.

"Nothing," he says in an overly-innocent voice. He begins idly running his metal fingers over the cuff of my jacket, fiddling with it and making it a lot harder to write. "I can't tell you how much I love you and how hot you are?"

Now while I certainly like hearing this, Ed_ never_ says things like this. Unless he's drunk. Then he starts telling me all sorts of things he would never say and gets really horny and stuff, which I suppose is nice all things considered, but my point is that Ed just _doesn't do this stuff._

I finally look up at him suspiciously. "Are you high?" I ask, only half-joking. "Because you know, I _am_your commanding officer and technically should have you punished for something like that."

"Oh," he says, snickering, "punish me, then. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"You're an idiot."

"Come on. Right here right now." He smirks at me and licks his lips. "Punish me."

I just glare at him and try to ignore the fact that he really looks hot when he does that. "Ed, go away."

"No."

"I have to work."

"Sucks."

"_You _have to work. Aren't you on duty?"

Ed shrugs. "Yeah."

So he's skipping off on his duties. I sigh. Why am I not surprised? "Well, go do things. Help citizens. Blow shit up. I don't fucking care."

"Don't lie. You'd have a conniption if I blew something up."

There is a tic in my jaw now and I have to shut my eyes for a moment to calm down. "Where's Alphonse?" I ask as a last resort.

"He's with Ling and Winry at the hotel."

"Go to the hotel then. Since you've decided you're going to forgo work today. I should fire you," I mutter.

Ed grins. "You wouldn't. And no. I wanna spend time with you."

"That's great and everything, Ed…" No really, it is, but why _right now_? Honestly? "But I'm busy. Can't you wait 'till I'm off?"

"Nope."

He is impossible to argue with, because the amount of bullshit he spouts can honestly dazzle you. So I look back down at my paperwork and begin signing them again, attempting to ignore him. Again. It's not working. He's poking my cheek again.

I nearly snap the pen in half when he ducks under my arm and sits on my lap and cuddles into me as if this was a perfectly normal thing to do in the office. He smiles brightly up at me and before I can force him off, wraps his legs and arms around my torso and clings to me like a koala. I swear to fucking god that I'm going to murder him.

"Fullmetal."

"Colonel~"

"_Ed."_

"Roooy."

"Edward," I snap, unable to take it anymore. "What the _fuck _do you _want_?"

He just gives me this huge shit-eating grin from where his chin rests on my chest. "I just wanna cuuuuudddle, because I looove you."

"I love you too, and no you don't," I say, narrowing my eyes. "You want to leave Roy alone so that he can finish his paperwork and not get slaughtered by Hawkeye."

"Are you a hypnotist?"

"What?"

"Didn't think so, 'cause it isn't working."

"_Ed_," I groan. It's _impossible_ to sign the papers like this because his body is basically in the way of my arm. Any other time I'd be all for this, if the door was locked of course. But seriously. I have a lot of shit to do. "_Please_. Listen. We can… cuddle, if you want, later. But right now I need to finish this."

"Finish it while I'm here," he suggests, planting a short kiss on my chin. I try not to notice as he then trails his lips down my jaw and nips somewhat teasingly at my neck. I_ also_try to ignore the fact that my head automatically tilts back to allow him more room. If the grin I feel means anything, he certainly noticed.

"You know if someone were to walk in right now I could get court- martialed?" I say exasperatedly.

"Shitty deal." He nips a bit harder, suckles a bit this time.

"Ed." I shift uncomfortably.

"What?"

Trying not to lose my patience, I say, "If you get off of me and let me finish this paperwork in peace, I promise I'll make it up to you." My eyes narrow even more when his grin widens against my skin. "I'm not stupid, you know. I know the only reason you're here is because you want something."

"Oh, really."

"Yes. What is it?"

"Well," he says, flicking out his tongue and licking a hot trail down to my collar, an involuntary shudder ripping up my spine. "I kinda just want office sex."

For a moment, I just stare at him and he stares back very seriously with those gold eyes of his. Then I frown. "No."

"Why not?" he pouts.

Is he serious? "Um… well first of all, I'm _busy_," I stress that word for the umpteenth time, "and my staff is just outside that door. If they were to walk in, we'd both be fired just like that. Not to mention I'd go to jail for fornicating with a subordinate who is_ underage_."

He's smirking. "But besides that, it's fine."

"We are in my _office_."

"Exactly! Office sex, Roy."

"The door is unlocked."

"You're just making up silly excuses now."

"No, seriously. It's unlocked."

"Oh well." And then he's back at licking and sucking and teasing my neck. /Why/ I let him know that this was a sensitive spot, I will never know.

Another frustrated groan leaves me, this one mixed with what I really wish was anger but was actually lust because he really did know how to use his tongue. "Go _awaaaayyy_." No, that was not a whiny tone. I am a _man_. I don't whine.

"No."

"Ed."

"Noo."

I let my head fall back onto the back of my chair, biting back curses. How. _How _did I get stuck with such a stubborn little shit disturber for a subordinate and lover? I shut my eyes to try and concentrate. He pulls away from my neck, and I can practically feel his huge grin as he delicately traces my lips with his metal hand. _Fuck_.

For a moment, I try to think of a way out that will not lead to Ed getting mad or to giving in and quite possibly getting us both fired. Sighing, I straighten and look him dead in the eye.

"Listen," I say in a very calm voice. "I promise that if you leave me alone right now, I'll finish up my paperwork as fast as I can and― make it up to you. However you want. As long as it doesn't involve sex in public," I add quickly, since his grin widened almost scarily after I said that. "What do you say?"

"Aw… no sex in public?"

"No," I say with a poker face that leaves no room for bullshit. Since he looks so disappointed, I add, "Not until you're eighteen."

He grins again, a gleam in his eye. "What's the difference?"

"You won't be underage."

"I'll still be your subordinate."

"Not if I fire you for seducing your commanding officer."

For a moment, he glares at me, and I just stare coolly back. Then he sighs.

"Fine." He finally_ finally_gets off of me and crosses his arms. "But just so you know, I'm topping tonight."

"Wait. What?"

"You said you would make it up to me and that I get to choose how." He gives me a saccharine smile. "And I do hope that you don't think that just 'cause I'm only sixteen that I lack imagination and the ability to fuck your brains out. Because trust me, Mustang. I _don't_."

Oh, how lovely. I pinch the bridge of my nose and let out a long sigh. "Alright, fine. Whatever you want."

"Really?" He actually sounds surprised.

"Yes."

"Fuck _yes_," he breathes. "I _really_hope you don't have to come in to work tomorrow."

The way he says it makes me a bit nervous. I look up at him with a great amount of concern. "Why?"

"Because I doubt you'll be able to walk for a couple days after I'm done with you." Then, as if this whole thing hadn't just happened, he skips out of my office, letting the door slam shut behind him. My head connects with my desk and I wonder what I'd just gotten myself into.

Seriously.

Seriously. Why the hell does _he_wear the pants in this fucking relationship?

I hear the door open, and then a soft, "Sir?"

I don't even have to look up to know who it is. "Yes, lieutenant?" I ask warily, trying not to let my dread show. I really didn't doubt Ed's imagination. What I did doubt was if I'd be able to _handle_his imagination.

Wait a second now. I'm Roy fucking Mustang. Of course I can handle it. I just don't know if I _want _to.

"Did something happen between you and Fullmetal?" Hawkeye asks. I hear her footsteps approaching my desk and force myself to straighten and sit up.

"You could say that," I respond dryly.

"He looked rather… how should I put this? Evil." She sounds a bit perturbed. "Did he destroy something again?"

Only the solid focus I'd had on my paperwork... I sigh. "No. Don't worry about it."

"Alright, sir." Of course, with no question asks, Hawkeye changes the subject. Sometimes I really love her for being so… her. She knows when to stop, something I really wish Ed would understand… I mean, not that I mind his persistence _that_ much…

Standing in front of my desk, her hands hover atop the few stacks of paper to my right. "These are done?"

"Yeah. Oh, and these." I hand her the ones marked confidential. Nodding, she adds them to the pile and picks it up. Vaguely, I wonder how strong her arms are, because lifting so much paperwork all the time had to be hard work, but don't really get time to dwell on that as she mutters a thank-you and begins walking away.

"Hey… Hawkeye." I try to sound casual.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do I… by any chance, do I have tomorrow off?"

She gives me this weird look. "Shouldn't you know your own schedule?" When I just grin guiltily, she sighs and says, "Not that I know of."

"Oh." Damn. "Um, okay. Thanks."

"Why?"

"Oh, nothing, I was just wondering."

"Alright. Please be sure to finish up before you leave," she reminds me. I nod an affirmative and she starts off again. Sighing, I look at the last stack of papers to sign, and grab the first few. Then I hear Hawkeye clear her throat, and look up to see her claret eyes hiding something like a smirk.

"What?" I ask, a bit defensively.

"Oh, nothing important." She turns, her hand on the knob, and throws a smirk back at me. "But may I just suggest that you close your collar, colonel? That hickey is really terribly noticeable."

I'm sure I must have turned a few shades whiter then, and slap a hand to my neck as she shuts the door behind her. Sure enough, my skin is hot and sensitive to the touch. Cursing, I fix my collar and let my head connect with my desk again.

"Ed," I groan.

Just fucking dandy.

**xxXXxxXXxx**

**Ed: Trololololololo~**

**Roy: :( My poor anus.**

**KissMeDeadlyT-T: MUAAHAHAHAHHAHA, MOTHERFUCKERS! (You like it Roy, so STFU :3 )**

**Anyways, care to leave a review for this incredibly pointless but (hopefully) funny (?) and cute (eh, eh?) fic? :3**

**On a side note: Saccharine is my favorite word in the world.**


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